And yet again - I just don't know where the time goes. Oh right - I do. To say it's been hectic and crazy in my world is a wee bit of an understatement. To say I am having trouble adjusting my sails to catch a wind in order to glide a bit is also an understatement. To say I am overwhelmed, exhausted and in need of ....something (though I don't really have a clear thought on what) is well....you guessed it. An understatement.
Balance? Yeah - I don't so much have that going on right now.
Something is coming at me from every angle and no matter which way I turn to block the blow - it seems to hit me and roll right over me. I read once on a blog a description that seems dead on - I'll add my own elaborations though, ok? (Thanks Fern - I think I got this one from you and it couldn't be more accurate if you had tried.)
It's like standing with your back to the ocean and having a great big wave roll up behind you and knock you off your feet. Dragging you out deeper and deeper as you struggle to find something solid on which to stand. The ever moving sand is all you can feel and you just can't stand back up. Over and over the waves crash until suddenly the ocean tide spits your tired body back onto the beach. And you lie there gasping for air and hanging onto whatever you can find until finally you have the strength to stand back up.
Now one would think at this point you would have learned to not turn your back on the waves. One would think that, wouldn't they? Well - one would be wrong. Apparently I am not smart enough, in tune enough, engaged enough...something enough...to actually turn the hell around and watch for the waves.
I guess that isn't totally fair. I mean - it's not like you can foresee most of the stuff that is bound to happen in your life. It just...well...happens. But even so, after the wave knocks you down and beats you up a bit you have to scramble for the beach and get back on your feet.
I get that. It's just that right now - I think I'm still in the getting beat up stage.
All I know is I am tired and feeling frayed. I sleep but I wake many times even now when the children seem to be sleeping so much better at night (which I am betting I just cursed. Darn!). I worry. About everything. I need to find some outlets though - and soon.
I used to blog as an outlet. I'd write about anything and everything - my truths even though they may make me seem well...unstable because lets face it - catching anyone during "one of those moments" in any given day would give the appearance of instability even if they are not. Moments are like snapshots - they only capture that exact second in time. And sometimes, my mental dumps are akin to the pictures someone snaps when you are chewing...or worse. Not all that pretty but certainly not the only shot on the roll. But then I stopped speaking my truth because someone somewhere along the line make me feel unstable and made me question myself and because I'm a worrier...I stopped saying all the stuff I needed to say. I imagine stuffing that stuff doesn't exactly have an overall calming affect on a person. For me, getting it out no matter how it might make me appear to people who don't know me (or who feel like judging me based on a 5 paragraph brain dump) was good. I got it out, it was gone and I could move on. I don't do that anymore - not really. I'm sure it just adds to the strength of the waves rolling toward me.
And now I have to wonder...how did I get off on this tangent? Clearly I have a lot on my mind and clearly rambling is what I do. Aren't you glad you aren't sitting captive in my living room? You can just walk away from the blog at any time. :)
Ok - that's it for tonight. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Kids Say The Darnest Things
My three year old daughter just said "I'm flabbergasted."
Flabbergasted?
Really?
Where does she come up with this stuff because I can promise you I have never once said "I'm flabbergasted." Never. Not once.
Where does she get it from??
Flabbergasted?
Really?
Where does she come up with this stuff because I can promise you I have never once said "I'm flabbergasted." Never. Not once.
Where does she get it from??
Friday, January 9, 2009
So Much For Starting Out Right
My goal for this blog in 2009 was to post at least three times a week. It's been a week and two days since my last post so how do *you* think I'm doing? Yeah - me too. *sigh*
Though I am going to offer up the excuse of a child undergoing medical tests for significant and unexplained weight loss and the stress that is evident in this house. I'll even add to that excuse a leaking ceiling and meeting with roofers and the siders as we try to figure it out.
Not enough? Man - you are a tough crowd. Fine. I'll even add an unexpected vehicle repair *and* a broken windshield to the pot.
Does that get me off the hook a little bit? Yeah - I figured not. That's ok - I should be held to a higher standard when it comes to reaching my own personal goals. I get that. And I forgive you for being so cold-hearted about it. :) :)
So what can I amuse you with today? The fact that my child is watching Imagination Movers and playing with her dollhouse, alone, in the other room while her mommy sits at the computer trying to come up with something worthwhile to write about to amuse you? What about the laundry basket full of clothes needing to be folded and put away sitting next to me on the kitchen table? The kitchen floor that is so filthy with muddy paw prints that it makes me want to scream? Maybe the carpet that is in dire need of steam cleaning to remove the muddy from those same doggy paws? (Hey - it's not like I don't try. I wipe their feet at the door and there is a trail of throw rugs that lead from the sliding door all the way to the carpet which should, in theory, remove the mud but that, in reality, fail.)
What about telling you all about the dishes in the dishwasher that need to be put away?
Maybe I should just share with you how delicious this big ol' cup of coffee that is sitting in front of me smells as the steam wafts up. Maybe I should tell you how I will probably not clean the carpets this week....maybe not even next (though I will run the vacuum to pick up what I can. I'm not *that* terrible of a housekeeper). I'll get to the laundry and the dishes and I'll probably even go play yet another game of Cinderella's Enchanted Slipper with my daughter (which I will confess to not really being a hardship. It's actually kind of fun and perfect for my almost 4 year old daughter. We play it as a family and I have to tell you on the QT; even my son has a good time. Don't tell him I told you though. Hee hee.). She got it from an aunt for Christmas and it's so much fun! I highly recommend it. Plus when you push in the glass slipper it either makes Fairy God Mother twinkling sounds or chimes like a clock. Bad news for you, Cinderella, if it chimes like a clock! :)
Anyway - I guess the upshot is that instead of sitting here telling you all I should be doing I should go do it.
And now my daughter has come to me asking to make s musical harp. Oh sure honey - that sounds easy enough. *sigh* Wonder how I'll accomplish this one.
Wish me luck!
Though I am going to offer up the excuse of a child undergoing medical tests for significant and unexplained weight loss and the stress that is evident in this house. I'll even add to that excuse a leaking ceiling and meeting with roofers and the siders as we try to figure it out.
Not enough? Man - you are a tough crowd. Fine. I'll even add an unexpected vehicle repair *and* a broken windshield to the pot.
Does that get me off the hook a little bit? Yeah - I figured not. That's ok - I should be held to a higher standard when it comes to reaching my own personal goals. I get that. And I forgive you for being so cold-hearted about it. :) :)
So what can I amuse you with today? The fact that my child is watching Imagination Movers and playing with her dollhouse, alone, in the other room while her mommy sits at the computer trying to come up with something worthwhile to write about to amuse you? What about the laundry basket full of clothes needing to be folded and put away sitting next to me on the kitchen table? The kitchen floor that is so filthy with muddy paw prints that it makes me want to scream? Maybe the carpet that is in dire need of steam cleaning to remove the muddy from those same doggy paws? (Hey - it's not like I don't try. I wipe their feet at the door and there is a trail of throw rugs that lead from the sliding door all the way to the carpet which should, in theory, remove the mud but that, in reality, fail.)
What about telling you all about the dishes in the dishwasher that need to be put away?
Maybe I should just share with you how delicious this big ol' cup of coffee that is sitting in front of me smells as the steam wafts up. Maybe I should tell you how I will probably not clean the carpets this week....maybe not even next (though I will run the vacuum to pick up what I can. I'm not *that* terrible of a housekeeper). I'll get to the laundry and the dishes and I'll probably even go play yet another game of Cinderella's Enchanted Slipper with my daughter (which I will confess to not really being a hardship. It's actually kind of fun and perfect for my almost 4 year old daughter. We play it as a family and I have to tell you on the QT; even my son has a good time. Don't tell him I told you though. Hee hee.). She got it from an aunt for Christmas and it's so much fun! I highly recommend it. Plus when you push in the glass slipper it either makes Fairy God Mother twinkling sounds or chimes like a clock. Bad news for you, Cinderella, if it chimes like a clock! :)
Anyway - I guess the upshot is that instead of sitting here telling you all I should be doing I should go do it.
And now my daughter has come to me asking to make s musical harp. Oh sure honey - that sounds easy enough. *sigh* Wonder how I'll accomplish this one.
Wish me luck!
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