Brain Dump *warning: it makes little sense

And yet again - I just don't know where the time goes. Oh right - I do. To say it's been hectic and crazy in my world is a wee bit of an understatement. To say I am having trouble adjusting my sails to catch a wind in order to glide a bit is also an understatement. To say I am overwhelmed, exhausted and in need of ....something (though I don't really have a clear thought on what) is well....you guessed it. An understatement.

Balance? Yeah - I don't so much have that going on right now.

Something is coming at me from every angle and no matter which way I turn to block the blow - it seems to hit me and roll right over me. I read once on a blog a description that seems dead on - I'll add my own elaborations though, ok? (Thanks Fern - I think I got this one from you and it couldn't be more accurate if you had tried.)

It's like standing with your back to the ocean and having a great big wave roll up behind you and knock you off your feet. Dragging you out deeper and deeper as you struggle to find something solid on which to stand. The ever moving sand is all you can feel and you just can't stand back up. Over and over the waves crash until suddenly the ocean tide spits your tired body back onto the beach. And you lie there gasping for air and hanging onto whatever you can find until finally you have the strength to stand back up.

Now one would think at this point you would have learned to not turn your back on the waves. One would think that, wouldn't they? Well - one would be wrong. Apparently I am not smart enough, in tune enough, engaged enough...something enough...to actually turn the hell around and watch for the waves.

I guess that isn't totally fair. I mean - it's not like you can foresee most of the stuff that is bound to happen in your life. It just...well...happens. But even so, after the wave knocks you down and beats you up a bit you have to scramble for the beach and get back on your feet.

I get that. It's just that right now - I think I'm still in the getting beat up stage.

All I know is I am tired and feeling frayed. I sleep but I wake many times even now when the children seem to be sleeping so much better at night (which I am betting I just cursed. Darn!). I worry. About everything. I need to find some outlets though - and soon.

I used to blog as an outlet. I'd write about anything and everything - my truths even though they may make me seem well...unstable because lets face it - catching anyone during "one of those moments" in any given day would give the appearance of instability even if they are not. Moments are like snapshots - they only capture that exact second in time. And sometimes, my mental dumps are akin to the pictures someone snaps when you are chewing...or worse. Not all that pretty but certainly not the only shot on the roll. But then I stopped speaking my truth because someone somewhere along the line make me feel unstable and made me question myself and because I'm a worrier...I stopped saying all the stuff I needed to say. I imagine stuffing that stuff doesn't exactly have an overall calming affect on a person. For me, getting it out no matter how it might make me appear to people who don't know me (or who feel like judging me based on a 5 paragraph brain dump) was good. I got it out, it was gone and I could move on. I don't do that anymore - not really. I'm sure it just adds to the strength of the waves rolling toward me.

And now I have to wonder...how did I get off on this tangent? Clearly I have a lot on my mind and clearly rambling is what I do. Aren't you glad you aren't sitting captive in my living room? You can just walk away from the blog at any time. :)

Ok - that's it for tonight. Thanks for reading.