A Mother's Worst Nightmare

The Sandra Cantu case is driving my anxiety level through the roof. That little girl is haunting my waking and sleeping hours and I can't stop it. As a mom, I just can't even begin to comprehend how you could hurt a child like that. I just don't. And as a mom, I don't know how Sandra's mom can even breathe. The images of what the news story conjure up makes me physically ill. If it had been MY child? I just don't know how I would take one step, let alone the rest of my life.

To imagine what the last hours, minutes of your precious baby's life must have been like. The fear. The terror. The cries for help. The cries for you........I just can't keep the tears from coming. That poor baby girl. That poor mother.

I have such a high level of anxiety when it comes to keeping my children safe. I know I am not alone in this but seriously - their safety is paramount to me. Above all else. I want them safe every minute of every day from the day they entered this world until the day they die in their beds from old age. The thought of someone just ripping their life away makes me crazy with fear.

I know there are lots of people who take it all in stride. Who know they have no control over what happens. I'm not one of them. I feel like I do have, no...MUST have control over their safety. If I can't keep them safe, then who will?

D and I have completely different approaches to caring for the children. She is one of those more laid back people. While it isn't ideal, losing our son in Chuck E Cheese didn't really phase her. "All's well that ends well." I, on the other hand, would never let him out of my sight long enough for him to *get* lost.

That's a simple illustration but it makes my point. Not that I am saying she isn't careful with them - she is. Just not as hyper-vigilant as I want her to be....or as I hold myself accountable.

My point in that is that I have incredibly high anxiety about my children. And the story of Sandra Cantu has taken it to a new level. These cases always do...they *always* do.

And the thought of how Sandra's mother's heart must be shattered and how she must be imagining those last minutes over and over and over again.....well.....it shatters my heart.

Touche!

He who thinketh he leadeth
and hath no one following him
is only taking
a walk.
~ Anonymous

Ok seriously - doesn't that make you laugh a little bit? It popped up on my iGoogle page today and every time I read it I giggle a little. Maybe It's just me. :)

I think this is a lot like being a mom. Most days I think I'm leading little people but reality, I'm just out for a stroll, alone, because neither of the little ones give a fig about anything I am trying to teach them.

I just have to say.....

Sunsweet Chocolate Plum Sweets are DELICIOUS!!



I also have to say that I need to learn moderation.

I'm just saying..... :)

Irritations

I have two little things that are bugging me right now. As in right this very second.

It's the dogs: Thing One and Thing Two. For some unknown reason they seem to need to spend their days bugging the crap out me. They whine, they paw at the door to go outside and then again to come in. They bark at everything...and nothing. They start in on me around this time every day in the hopes that I will give up and give them lunch. That's not very likely to happen considering it isn't even 10AM and they ate breakfast a mere 5 hours ago. Yes, in dog time that's ages ago but if I feed them now they will be all over me around 2 because they will be "starving". Ugh.

The worst of it is the barking. Oh dear Lord above - the barking drives me crazy! Maddie, in particular, loves to bark at one of the cats. For some reason it's only one cat and she leaves the other two completely alone. For her part, Lucy, the cat, does growl and hiss which only makes herself seem more appealing. So, to recap: I have hissing, growling and barking going on a good portion of the day. It's enough to drive a person insane.

Now this part is interesting - at least, I think it is. The dogs drive me nuts all day long. All. Day. Long. But come sundown, when the light begins to disappear the dogs become strangely still. You would be hard pressed to even know there were dogs in this house. Where are they? Curled up in big puppy balls on the couch fast asleep. Apparently they wear themselves out during the day with all their craziness.

They also wear me out. Underfoot all day long, driving me to the brink of sanity and then POOF! Like magic they become these very sweet, sleepy dogs. I forgive their transgressions of the day; much the same as I do with my children.

I call what the dogs seem to suffer from "reverse sundowner". With older people who suffer from sundowners syndrome, they seem to be fine during day light hours and then as the sun goes down they lose their minds. With my dogs, they are seemingly whacked out of their minds all day and fine at night. It's kind of wild, actually.

And it would probably intrigue me more and inspire me to research it more if they weren't so busy driving me batty. ARGH!

Bored and Restless

I'm bored tonight. And restless. Or maybe it's that I'm so tired I can't think let alone move myself from this chair that sits in front of the computer.

Why is it I sit here so much during the day? It's not the couch that has my butt print permanently embedded in it....oh no. It's the kitchen chair that I pretend is a desk chair. The good news is there are four kitchen chairs so I just rotate them around. That way no one really notices one chair has an enormous indent in it. :)

Wow. What did I just write? Seriously? That's the best I can do tonight? Yeah, I think it is. Sad.

I was thinking today how much I miss The Gilmore Girls. Yes, I know it's been off the air for almost two years and yet - my sadness about its loss lives on. I own all seven seasons on DVD so I could watch it any time I'd like and yet that is so not the same. I want new episodes. I want to know what is happening with Rory. When we last saw her she was on the press core campaign trail with Obama. Is she now sitting in the White House Press Room? And what about Lorelai? Did she and Luke get married? And what about Logan?

I hate it that shows become such a part of your every day life and then just up and vanish. Do they not know or care what that does to some of us? Yeah I know how all this makes me appear but sheesh - these people were like family to me and now - well...I wonder about it all.

I think they should get together and put out a 4 hour movie (because 2 hours just isn't long enough for me) and bring some closure to my life. Clearly I need some - it's been almost two years. :)

Why is it exactly I have this blog? The reason escapes me now. I'm sure it was just so I could write about the stuff that goes on inside my head that has nothing to do with my regular mom life. A place where my thoughts could just come out no matter how odd and whacky they are. Seems to me that exact thing is taking place. Because none of this makes sense to me - I'm just rambling on and on and on.

Oh - and I remember wanting my "own" domain. Why? I don't know. I guess because all the cool kids were doing it. How's that working out for me? Well let's see...I pay $10 a year, have no real visitors (and no regulars, for sure) and hardly can find the time to post. I thought about not renewing it this year but I just couldn't let the name go...Not Enough Coffee, Time or Money. It just sums up my life so well and the thought of it being scooped up with minutes of my non-renewal was just too much to bear. And let's not talk about how I thought I would be all "with it" and go in and renew it before it was due because really? All that did was allow me the pleasure of paying twice. I couldn't figure out who to call to fix it so I just let it go but have I really? Oh no - I think about it and it kinda ticks me off. That will teach me to be ahead of the game.

So here I sit at 9:09 pm just letting words flow from my fingertips. Making no sense whatsoever but feeling some sense of satisfaction that I am posting. Posting nothing important and certainly nothing awe inspiring or world changing but posting nonetheless.

And you just read it. God bless you for that because honestly, I'm not sure I would have gotten past the first paragraph and in truth, I'm not sure the thinking part of my brain did. :)

I'd say I will do better next time but then I'd probably have to break a promise and I try to not do that. Say what you mean and mean what you say...or is it Do What You Said You Would Do. Yeah - that's it.

So this is what I'll say...I'll be back. It might not be all that entertaining or maybe it will be. You'll have to stop back by another time to find out.

Don't you just LOVE cliff hangers? :)

Brain Dump *warning: it makes little sense

And yet again - I just don't know where the time goes. Oh right - I do. To say it's been hectic and crazy in my world is a wee bit of an understatement. To say I am having trouble adjusting my sails to catch a wind in order to glide a bit is also an understatement. To say I am overwhelmed, exhausted and in need of ....something (though I don't really have a clear thought on what) is well....you guessed it. An understatement.

Balance? Yeah - I don't so much have that going on right now.

Something is coming at me from every angle and no matter which way I turn to block the blow - it seems to hit me and roll right over me. I read once on a blog a description that seems dead on - I'll add my own elaborations though, ok? (Thanks Fern - I think I got this one from you and it couldn't be more accurate if you had tried.)

It's like standing with your back to the ocean and having a great big wave roll up behind you and knock you off your feet. Dragging you out deeper and deeper as you struggle to find something solid on which to stand. The ever moving sand is all you can feel and you just can't stand back up. Over and over the waves crash until suddenly the ocean tide spits your tired body back onto the beach. And you lie there gasping for air and hanging onto whatever you can find until finally you have the strength to stand back up.

Now one would think at this point you would have learned to not turn your back on the waves. One would think that, wouldn't they? Well - one would be wrong. Apparently I am not smart enough, in tune enough, engaged enough...something enough...to actually turn the hell around and watch for the waves.

I guess that isn't totally fair. I mean - it's not like you can foresee most of the stuff that is bound to happen in your life. It just...well...happens. But even so, after the wave knocks you down and beats you up a bit you have to scramble for the beach and get back on your feet.

I get that. It's just that right now - I think I'm still in the getting beat up stage.

All I know is I am tired and feeling frayed. I sleep but I wake many times even now when the children seem to be sleeping so much better at night (which I am betting I just cursed. Darn!). I worry. About everything. I need to find some outlets though - and soon.

I used to blog as an outlet. I'd write about anything and everything - my truths even though they may make me seem well...unstable because lets face it - catching anyone during "one of those moments" in any given day would give the appearance of instability even if they are not. Moments are like snapshots - they only capture that exact second in time. And sometimes, my mental dumps are akin to the pictures someone snaps when you are chewing...or worse. Not all that pretty but certainly not the only shot on the roll. But then I stopped speaking my truth because someone somewhere along the line make me feel unstable and made me question myself and because I'm a worrier...I stopped saying all the stuff I needed to say. I imagine stuffing that stuff doesn't exactly have an overall calming affect on a person. For me, getting it out no matter how it might make me appear to people who don't know me (or who feel like judging me based on a 5 paragraph brain dump) was good. I got it out, it was gone and I could move on. I don't do that anymore - not really. I'm sure it just adds to the strength of the waves rolling toward me.

And now I have to wonder...how did I get off on this tangent? Clearly I have a lot on my mind and clearly rambling is what I do. Aren't you glad you aren't sitting captive in my living room? You can just walk away from the blog at any time. :)

Ok - that's it for tonight. Thanks for reading.

Kids Say The Darnest Things

My three year old daughter just said "I'm flabbergasted."

Flabbergasted?

Really?

Where does she come up with this stuff because I can promise you I have never once said "I'm flabbergasted." Never. Not once.

Where does she get it from??